A Vivid Reflection
Seeing Yourself When Life Isn’t Clear
The room was small and dingy, not exactly what you would want out of a bathroom. It felt tight, with not much room to move around in. If I wasn’t already feeling overwhelmed, I would have noticed more how the walls seemed to be closing in around me. Little by little. Something I had no patience paying attention to in that moment.
The only thing I could actually center my focus on was the person staring back at me. There was a blank look on his face. I noticed the eyes of someone who was tired. Completely bloodshot. Facial features suggesting that the world was getting heavy. His body language reflected a similar sentiment. I found myself feeling saddened for him.
Not that I was feeling any better than what the man in front of me looked like he was feeling. I was standing in the bathroom because I had just completely tuned out what I was doing at work for the last thirty minutes. My focus had fallen off the side of a cliff. Which is why I found it necessary to splash my face with water in the bathroom. The only men’s bathroom that could be found in the building I was employed in.
As the man in front of me continued his eye contact, my awareness landed on the emotions traveling through my body. Apathy. Confusion. Frustration. Anger.
I wondered if I should cease holding them in check like I was expected to while out in public. I wondered if my bottled emotions would ever find their way out of me.
Emotions stemming from recent experiences. Moments that ended in major let downs. Memories of failure and realizations of a life not fully achieved. Hints of a depressive state beginning to creep back into my system, which I wasn’t a stranger to. Emotions centered around one question:
“How does anything in this life matter?”
Before I could let myself think about the question and go down my usual rabbit hole, I turned back to the man in front of me. For what seemed like an eternity, we simply looked at each other. In wonder. In mutual curiosity. In attempted understanding. I felt like we were on an entirely different dimension but, at the same time, face-to-face.
I was in a state of fascination that felt alien to me and it had a unique hold. The man in front of me seemed like he felt it as well. But while remaining in that state to better understand each other sounded nice, it wasn't an option. Not at my place of employment.
With a self-reassuring and phony smile, I pulled myself out and brought my awareness back to the reality around me. I took a couple deep breaths and rehearsed the smile once again. I mentally prepared to be the person everyone in the building expected me to be once I returned from the bathroom.
I looked at the man across from me. He appeared a little more confident. Prepared with a smile and all. And as I turned around to pull open the door, I caught a glimpse as the man across from me pulled open a door as well and exited the room.
On the Other Side of the Reflection
Moments like the one written about above remind me that personal growth hasn't always been linear for me. There have been times not too long ago in which I felt myself dissolving in my various versions of existing. Let me explain.
Years ago, I awakened to the idea that I had been living in a state that I wasn’t fully conscious of. This state I had been in was ego-dominant. I was a person who was completely unaware of himself and who had no connection to anything else other than what the ego version of me wanted. Essentially, I was in the passenger seat to a version of me made up of an external-self and an identity created to keep me comfortable and asleep.
Once I was able to break free, I found myself in a very heavy version of limbo. Everything I had known about myself was shattered. I had the opportunity to begin again. And all I could feel was confusion about what had crumbled away.
I couldn’t wrap my head around why it had taken me so long to see the truth about myself. I was utterly disappointed in my inability to recognize how stuck I was and all the time wasted being in that state. I spent a long time feeling sorry for myself and I begged for an understanding as to why I had been in the dark for so long.
Along with that feeling, I began to question everything I thought I knew. When I say I found myself in limbo, there’s nothing I mean more. The perspective I had gained and the consciousness I was gifted with should have changed my life for the better. However, I felt cheated. I had been a passenger under the impression that I was driving the entire time on my journey. Now that I was behind the wheel for the first time, my destination didn’t seem to matter. My thought pattern was:
“I don’t even really know who I am.”
A year ago, my mental state began to really decline. Before I knew it, I had become the victim in my life’s story. Although I had an opportunity to begin again, I couldn’t see it. All I could think was that I was behind after wasting time that I wouldn’t be getting back. I began to put out some very negative energy into the universe. Victimized energy. And then I would be angry and surprised when numerous challenges and obstacles began to present themselves in ways that made me feel like even more of a victim. It wasn't coincidence. I was doing it all to myself.
As I think back, there are steps I could have taken to get myself out from the dark place I was living in. I didn’t have to hit rock bottom to face myself and decide to make the most important decisions of my life. If I could speak to the version of myself from a year ago, there are some important words I would want to share with him. I’ll list the steps that would have helped him begin to accept who he was becoming:
Take a pause from your daily routine, close your eyes, and just breathe.
Take a few minutes and clear your mind, multiple times a day.
Recognize and really appreciate the things you are currently grateful for.
Speak with friends and family about what you are feeling.
Learn how to be in the present.
These steps seem simple and even ordinary, but can be life-changing if done with intention. The version of me looking into the eyes of his reflection could have used some intention in his life. He just wasn't ready. Growth isn’t linear and can be filled with highs and lows as you are becoming more than you ever thought possible. I’ve had experience in that category. Ultimately, I had to learn to give myself grace and not beat myself up for things I could have only learned with time.
Just as my story has its own unique details about it, are there any details in yours that are unique to you but yet, have you feeling similar to what I shared?
Feel it in you to take the time today to act on at least one step. Any one of the five can be a powerful springboard to acting on all of them.
This upcoming week, I will be releasing a paid article that dives deeper into these five steps along with practical ideas that you can begin to incorporate into your life today. Consider checking out the paid tier if you feel like you are ready to go deeper into this work with me.
Stay tuned.
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See you next week. 🪐